The slippery slope of change

change

The ponderance of change is a slippery slope. Change is all around us, every moment of every day is a change of something or lots of things. As life changes around me at an uncontrolled speed, I seek to capture it for me. I love change, if I could embrace it I would bear hug it! I change my focus at least a hundred times an hour, so why is it so elusive? I am talking the long-term permanent change too, not this I can change my hair color or clothes quick and nimble.

If I desire change, I am seeking it out, planning for it, and working at it then shouldn’t it work—- change!??? It should just happen, right? I know that is a big fat NO! If the mind and heart are seemingly the control towers to our souls who or what is managing change within ourselves? It’s a crazy game of cat and mouse! When I was younger I thought I could change with determination and grit. I probably did, for a while! Because if I had changed permanently then I would not be here at the start of 2018 wishing for a permanent change.

2018

What am I trying to change; what is that is eluding me so cautiously? My true self-worth. Shocking I know! However with all my abundance of self-reflection recently I have found my Achilles heel, that chink in my armor that could take me down so easily. Unlike Achilles (he didn’t know his weakness), I know my weakness and we are friends, companions, even blood. We cannot change the past, we truly can only change the present and pray for the permanent change for the future!

I know my self-worth don’t get me wrong, I am amazing! I love myself, take care of my heart and mind to ensure I maintain my self-worth for all future endeavors within life. Unfortunately, the part of me that controls my worthiness so I can prepare for a great life, do fabulous things for my those I love, to build a good life for myself as an independent strong woman is in constant need of self-validation. You know these things, don’t you? I work hard so I will give myself this and this, oh and this too. Filling my holes with things because I have been unable to change the way I see and feel about my own self-worth.

So today, I am vowing to change. For me. For the future me. For all the real things I want; that I have hidden from because I was afraid of succeeding and not knowing where to go or what do once I was there. Afraid of being alone with no companion or friend to help me through my weak moments. I vow to be worthy of self-gratification that isn’t tied to filling a black hole created by a cruel past that broke a child’s spirit, therefore creating a self-crucifying prognosticator that doesn’t know change. Change will be found whether friend or foe, a common acceptance of our limitations and faults, but walking tall and happy with nothing except a heart full of love for myself and change in my pocket! The slippery slope of change is gratifying.

change nowbehavior-change-expert-questions

Purpose of Remembrance

Today of all days is a true day of past, present, and future. On Christmas Day, people from all walks of life are on a journey – a symbolic journey of Christmas’ past and present with hopes for the future. While it sounds like a Charles Dickens story, I swear it is about remembrance. Relatable and relevant to the stories by Dickens. However, my thoughts are more significant to what we remember of our lives in general. Now some may reflect on remembering things on a birthday or after a tragic event, but on Christmas (if we can admit it openly or secretively) we think more about the meaning of life and how we measure ourselves against what we did, or did NOT, do or give than any other day of the year. What or how our previous experiences were on this holiest, celebrated, caring, and benevolent day of the year (arguably, I know). Was it actually holy? Or celebratory? Caring or benevolent at all? Maybe not. Maybe you wanted to change that in your future, maybe you want to change that in your present or maybe it was something you do not want to think of again. Alas, I plead you should.

While there are dedicated days of remembrance (there are several within the U.S. alone); Christmas brings about memories long lost, forgotten, or hidden. Some precious as a diamond, some as scary as monsters, but many are priceless heirlooms of ourselves. As our lives change; we become adults, have kids, kids grow up, we grow old, etc… so do the visions of what or why we do certain things during the holidays. Yes, as we grow older we reflect with great pensiveness but I believe because we begin to remember those things that we were too busy or caught up in the holiday rushes to truly reflect upon. I believe there is comfort in looking back and remembering WHY we do so much for so many at Christmas time. The memories are revered for a lifetime. As a parent with a grown child now I am saddened by the lack of surprise and excitement of the day; while there is joy and love in abundance, the memories are rewinding like B-rated movies. In the past, my happiest, yet poorest, Christmas’ were those when I was excited by the opportunity to give when all I could give was straight from my heart but still beyond my son’s childish expectations. Why is this remembrance worth writing about? Because remembrance of those things that matter most to our heart and soul is prevalent on this day.

Today I thought deeply about why I felt a slight twinge of sadness, guilt, and melancholy. I believe because I remembered what I did in the past and what I always wanted for my future Christmas’. Unfortunately, I realized that I didn’t have a purpose this year. I felt aimless and insignificant to what was going on around me. While I felt more in touch with my spiritual side, I felt more out of touch with where my purpose was for what to do this year. I wanted to do and give so much but fell short of all things my heart wanted. So I spent time just remembering what I seemingly always did and felt during my years as a child, young adult, young mother, then now as an older parent. Through remembrance of my many Christmas experiences, I forgot something important. I forgot to exude love at Christmas, not because someone tells me it is required on this day, but because if nothing else this day is about love. Giving love, sharing love, savoring love, love in all capacities. So, my quest for remembrance is about purposefulness of staying thoughtful about whats in my mind and heart. Knowing why we love, how we show love, and staying conscientious of what or why we are giving or reacting to activities for the sake of creating memories. The purpose of remembrance is to recollect stories of our life, making them purposeful is a choice.

dr seuss