Ahhh, the proverbial act of losing – the loss of anything is good, so I am told. I have read how losing builds character, makes one humble, is considered self-growth,
builds confidence (really?), helps build confidence through repetition and practice by gaining lessons learned and skillsets. Alas, can losing who I am mean that I am growing as an individual, a woman…a human? Or is something more profound like finding a new me that takes those lessons learned (or not) and creates a new persona that is more perceptive, more docile, less aggressive but with more heart? Now I have to say, as a woman of a certain age, I look back for that girl, lady, young woman – who was burning out of control for LIVING. When did I change? When did those dreams, aspirations, attitudes, and desires change so drastically (seemingly)? I dream of a different me who loves more openly, gives more freely, and thinks more thoughtfully…yet lives more vibrantly.
I love the thought and concept of living more vibrantly. It can mean anything to anyone, yet be simple and penetrating or bold and daring. It can be all those things. I find myself seeking to lose who I am to be who I want to be. Mind you, I am still who I am – I love her, she has been amazing all these years, but can I be more without taking on more or being less? Many might think that losing who I am is losing my true self…but if I am making the choice to change, then my true self is the new ME. Sounds simple but I am pretty sure some people might not agree. This isn’t about losing who I am because I am trying to be something I am not…WAIT, yes it is. However, it isn’t being forced, it is being desired. I am not sure if I would consider it a better me than I am today, some may believe it is selfish or ignorant to even have this conversation, but I do not.
I have followed, read, listened, wrote, prayed, talked, and searched for building a better me. No one ever discusses the loss of who you are when you try to make resolutions or changes to yourself that are superficial or driven by something less moralistic or virtuous to become someone you WANT to be. Not to say being (or attempting to be) the best at anything isn’t virtuous but sometimes our desires drive the wrong part of who we are. I am suggesting that I am choosing to lose who I am to be me in a new way through vibrantly living and letting go of who I thought I should be. Let the losing begin, this is life for the choosing and living.