The neverending thoughts that go through many adults as they progress through their careers and personal lives. Struggling to identify who they are to themselves much less the rest of the world. I think, hard, about this every day recently. Several life events have led me to this time and I do not regret anything I am much more concerned about the fact that as I reach a pinnacle point in my adult life I question everything I have done up to this point, not because I regret anything, but because I took a path that has led me to crossroads that I never saw coming. No one really talks about them, Okay maybe some people call them mid-life crises but I am not in a mid-life crisis, just in a truly mind evoking search for purpose.
Why did I buy this house? Oh, I love it. Why do I have this car? Eh, because it made sense at the time. Why did I get these degrees? Because I was told when I was younger I would never amount to much. I wanted to prove everyone wrong. The life lessons I have learned over the last twelve months has given me such clarity that I am not stuck. Stuck in my own mind of what to do. I am a firecracker and nothing normally EVER stops me when I get my mindset on something. However, I have my mindset on finding what my true purpose is for my life, this life. Interestingly enough, I find that nothing brings joy right now, I have moments of great joy, definitely. True joy if you think back to our truest forms of humans, when we found or learned something that made our hearts jump, smiles broaden, and minds soar. Where is that now? When did my mind jump off the tracks? I am pretty sure it was when I realized the most important things in life are those that you don’t realize are things at all. We take for granted the things that make us – us.
Do you remember what makes you – you? Like a special time as a child that you still think about and remember with great fondness. I remember a stuffed pink bunny, I named Pinkerton when I was just 6 years old. Why? I don’t remember exactly why I loved it so much or why it was my most precious friend, but I remember with such love and innocence that it makes me want to cry. Then I recall a time when I was in girl scouts when we got to go horseback riding. I had been riding when I was young on my Aunt’s farm, but this was different because I was 10 years old and got to go by myself. The animal was amazing and the stable girl helping me seemed so in control, well the horse was irritated and reared up, then off I went on my ass. I wasn’t hurt, a little freaked out but the stable girl was like, get back up in the saddle and never be afraid. I did and never was afraid again. I still have a passion for horses and riding. So many memories and things; my grandmother’s cooking, my grandfather’s pipe, swimming in the ocean, climbing cherry trees, they go on and on. So what in the world happened to enjoying the moments given to us, like there is no tomorrow? Is it about mortality? I think not, really. I mean if it was then wouldn’t we be throwing caution into the wind and living every second to the fullest? Or would be keeping our heads in the sand? So what is your ____? I am still searching for mine.