What is your _____?

The neverending thoughts that go through many adults as they progress through their careers and personal lives. Struggling to identify who they are to themselves much less the rest of the world. I think, hard, about this every day recently. Several life events have led me to this time and I do not regret anything I am much more concerned about the fact that as I reach a pinnacle point in my adult life I question everything I have done up to this point, not because I regret anything, but because I took a path that has led me to crossroads that I never saw coming. No one really talks about them, Okay maybe some people call them mid-life crises but I am not in a mid-life crisis, just in a truly mind evoking search for purpose.

Why did I buy this house? Oh, I love it. Why do I have this car? Eh, because it made sense at the time. Why did I get these degrees? Because I was told when I was younger I would never amount to much. I wanted to prove everyone wrong. The life lessons I have learned over the last twelve months has given me such clarity that I am not stuck. Stuck in my own mind of what to do. I am a firecracker and nothing normally EVER stops me when I get my mindset on something. However, I have my mindset on finding what my true purpose is for my life, this life. Interestingly enough, I find that nothing brings joy right now, I have moments of great joy, definitely. True joy if you think back to our truest forms of humans, when we found or learned something that made our hearts jump, smiles broaden, and minds soar. Where is that now? When did my mind jump off the tracks? I am pretty sure it was when I realized the most important things in life are those that you don’t realize are things at all. We take for granted the things that make us – us.


Do you remember what makes you – you? Like a special time as a child that you still think about and remember with great fondness. I remember a stuffed pink bunny, I named Pinkerton when I was just 6 years old. Why? I don’t remember exactly why I loved it so much or why it was my most precious friend, but I remember with such love and innocence that it makes me want to cry. Then I recall a time when I was in girl scouts when we got to go horseback riding. I had been riding when I was young on my Aunt’s farm, but this was different because I was 10 years old and got to go by myself. The animal was amazing and the stable girl helping me seemed so in control, well the horse was irritated and reared up, then off I went on my ass. I wasn’t hurt, a little freaked out but the stable girl was like, get back up in the saddle and never be afraid. I did and never was afraid again. I still have a passion for horses and riding. So many memories and things; my grandmother’s cooking, my grandfather’s pipe, swimming in the ocean, climbing cherry trees, they go on and on. So what in the world happened to enjoying the moments given to us, like there is no tomorrow? Is it about mortality? I think not, really. I mean if it was then wouldn’t we be throwing caution into the wind and living every second to the fullest? Or would be keeping our heads in the sand? So what is your ____? I am still searching for mine.

Forbidden Words

Is there such thing as a forbidden word? I know as a society we have sensitivities to the what words mean to others and the potential impact those words may have on perspectives about who we are as individuals. Interestingly enough, I believe I have one sanctuary in this world, my home. Where forbidden words can be openly and freely discussed or used. No judgment, it is my home. The only place I am truly allowed to be me, ME…not what my work environment expects, not my in-laws home, not my mothers, or even dinner at a fancy restaurant. My home protects me from being judged, or at least it should. Why are forbidden words used as a crutch to chastise or judge others? They are words, and the only meaning or power they have is what we as humans give them. Nothing more. I know this is why we have the 5th Amendment to the United States Constitution, Freedom of Speech. What does that actually mean anymore? As an adult, I struggle with being true to myself while maintaining an expectation of respectability. Ironically, my education, job status, or historically ‘clean’ record of love, kindness, and openness doesn’t matter. WHY? What have we become when in our own homes we could be so cruelly treated like we have crossed the road to rendition and commit the ultimate sin. I don’t believe in sin, that would mean I believe in judgment of outside forces or afterlife. My beliefs are not on the table for discussion, however, the judgment by others and the continued use of forbidden words that impact my sanctuary is. Forbidden words are in direct conflict with whom I am as an individual. Nothing in my world is taboo or off-limits, I don’t care about race, color, age, creed or gender. I am willing to accept and be accepted – regardless of the words used or said.