Seeing inside me

Life trickles along no matter what your pace, your perspective or your heritage.  We grow exponentially in so many ways, yet we don’t grow in many ways that benefit us, as humans, at all. The biggest percentage of people spend their lives trying to find peace, happiness, and purpose. Yet, what we have inside is what matters, at least that is what I have been told. The struggle to see what is inside of myself, and others, is truly real and heart wrenching because many times we see what it is inside too late for actual understanding.

The older we get the more real somethings about life become. The older we get the more sensitive and cognizant we get about mortality and love. What I see inside me is a downright struggle to be who I am supposed to be for me. Not for the world, not for family or friends, not for work…just for me. I know so many areas of who I am really well, then I do something that comes out of left field or have no actual feeling toward it all. Complacency is a scary place. I want to see what is inside me before I no longer care or worse I damage my life in ways that damage my heart and love for life. I know sounds so dramatic, right? However, if you think about how people become addicted to drugs or fall into deep depressions…while addicts may have chosen their paths (the outcome is one that they struggle to overcome) and anyone who has had or knows someone with it understands that no one chooses that place, and coming out of it changes you.

You can always choose to appreciate and love life more and better than ever before but what if you struggle to even accept life as a choice. Seeing inside me would greatly increase my odds of understanding, overcoming, and living in a space within myself that is unequivocally loved.

lifekey

 

Losing who I am

Ahhh, the proverbial act of losing – the loss of anything is good, so I am told. I have read how losing builds character, makes one humble, is considered self-growth, builds confidence (really?), helps build confidence through repetition and practice by gaining lessons learned and skillsets. Alas, can losing who I am mean that I am growing as an individual, a woman…a human? Or is something more profound like finding a new me that takes those lessons learned (or not) and creates a new persona that is more perceptive, more docile, less aggressive but with more heart? Now I have to say, as a woman of a certain age, I look back for that girl, lady, young woman – who was burning out of control for LIVING. When did I change? When did those dreams, aspirations, attitudes, and desires change so drastically (seemingly)? I dream of a different me who loves more openly, gives more freely, and thinks more thoughtfully…yet lives more vibrantly.

I love the thought and concept of living more vibrantly. It can mean anything to anyone, yet be simple and penetrating or bold and daring. It can be all those things. I find myself seeking to lose who I am to be who I want to be. Mind you, I am still who I am – I love her, she has been amazing all these years, but can I be more without taking on more or being less? Many might think that losing who I am is losing my true self…but if I am making the choice to change, then my true self is the new ME. Sounds simple but I am pretty sure some people might not agree. This isn’t about losing who I am because I am trying to be something I am not…WAIT, yes it is. However, it isn’t being forced, it is being desired. I am not sure if I would consider it a better me than I am today, some may believe it is selfish or ignorant to even have this conversation, but I do not.

loss

I have followed, read, listened, wrote, prayed, talked, and searched for building a better me. No one ever discusses the loss of who you are when you try to make resolutions or changes to yourself that are superficial or driven by something less moralistic or virtuous to become someone you WANT to be. Not to say being (or attempting to be) the best at anything isn’t virtuous but sometimes our desires drive the wrong part of who we are. I am suggesting that I am choosing to lose who I am to be me in a new way through vibrantly living and letting go of who I thought I should be. Let the losing begin, this is life for the choosing and living.