The slippery slope of change

change

The ponderance of change is a slippery slope. Change is all around us, every moment of every day is a change of something or lots of things. As life changes around me at an uncontrolled speed, I seek to capture it for me. I love change, if I could embrace it I would bear hug it! I change my focus at least a hundred times an hour, so why is it so elusive? I am talking the long-term permanent change too, not this I can change my hair color or clothes quick and nimble.

If I desire change, I am seeking it out, planning for it, and working at it then shouldn’t it work—- change!??? It should just happen, right? I know that is a big fat NO! If the mind and heart are seemingly the control towers to our souls who or what is managing change within ourselves? It’s a crazy game of cat and mouse! When I was younger I thought I could change with determination and grit. I probably did, for a while! Because if I had changed permanently then I would not be here at the start of 2018 wishing for a permanent change.

2018

What am I trying to change; what is that is eluding me so cautiously? My true self-worth. Shocking I know! However with all my abundance of self-reflection recently I have found my Achilles heel, that chink in my armor that could take me down so easily. Unlike Achilles (he didn’t know his weakness), I know my weakness and we are friends, companions, even blood. We cannot change the past, we truly can only change the present and pray for the permanent change for the future!

I know my self-worth don’t get me wrong, I am amazing! I love myself, take care of my heart and mind to ensure I maintain my self-worth for all future endeavors within life. Unfortunately, the part of me that controls my worthiness so I can prepare for a great life, do fabulous things for my those I love, to build a good life for myself as an independent strong woman is in constant need of self-validation. You know these things, don’t you? I work hard so I will give myself this and this, oh and this too. Filling my holes with things because I have been unable to change the way I see and feel about my own self-worth.

So today, I am vowing to change. For me. For the future me. For all the real things I want; that I have hidden from because I was afraid of succeeding and not knowing where to go or what do once I was there. Afraid of being alone with no companion or friend to help me through my weak moments. I vow to be worthy of self-gratification that isn’t tied to filling a black hole created by a cruel past that broke a child’s spirit, therefore creating a self-crucifying prognosticator that doesn’t know change. Change will be found whether friend or foe, a common acceptance of our limitations and faults, but walking tall and happy with nothing except a heart full of love for myself and change in my pocket! The slippery slope of change is gratifying.

change nowbehavior-change-expert-questions

Wishful Thinking!

Every day is a beautiful testimony to life. Good things happen, bad things occur, yet life keeps moving. I know, nothing magical here! Some exist, some live, and some are tolerating life. I think I wish for a more dutiful and serene vision of the world. Is my age factoring into my perspective of the world I see? Of course, it is! However, I would like to contemplate the perspective of the world that is PRESENTED to me – whether through social media, newspapers, magazines, daily news, or those less informed people who think they have it figured out.

Thinking

When I go to social media sites, the fake news and the ‘real’ news seem the same. I cannot tell one from the other. I cannot be the only one that is in this happening to, am I? I mean, I am not a follower of news. Ok, maybe I indulge in the celebrity news a little more than other things, but truthfully I believe the truth should be easier to ‘see’ than what is presented in the mainstream media. I wish for honesty and forthright information being presented to everyone. This may help alleviate all the ‘hatefulness’ that seems (or does) exist. I see people taught to love all their lives, react to fake news like someone stole their favorite CD or video game. Like it was deliberate and personal. How did we become so reactive and irrational? Or is that just my vision (I am sure it is) through my limited windows?

wishful thinking

I am wishfully thinking that someone needs to fix this. How? Who? Well it begins with each of us, right? I do not react to the stories that media or fake media creates to cause controversy or conflict amongst the young and old. My world exists for me, I can stop what I do not want but if you watch carefully, your life becomes isolated and solitary. Who can you trust but yourself, and after few months by yourself – you won’t trust your own thoughts either.  I know when I am in my community I see tons of lovely connections between people, animals, nature, and culture. It can also be hard to NOT see the ugly (this is a relative term), or wait, is that just my vision? I know I can change what I see, how I see, and my deep emotional reactions, even at my age, but HOW do we get everyone else on board. I am wishful thinking that we can make big changes with such small tasks of our own design.