The slippery slope of change

change

The ponderance of change is a slippery slope. Change is all around us, every moment of every day is a change of something or lots of things. As life changes around me at an uncontrolled speed, I seek to capture it for me. I love change, if I could embrace it I would bear hug it! I change my focus at least a hundred times an hour, so why is it so elusive? I am talking the long-term permanent change too, not this I can change my hair color or clothes quick and nimble.

If I desire change, I am seeking it out, planning for it, and working at it then shouldn’t it work—- change!??? It should just happen, right? I know that is a big fat NO! If the mind and heart are seemingly the control towers to our souls who or what is managing change within ourselves? It’s a crazy game of cat and mouse! When I was younger I thought I could change with determination and grit. I probably did, for a while! Because if I had changed permanently then I would not be here at the start of 2018 wishing for a permanent change.

2018

What am I trying to change; what is that is eluding me so cautiously? My true self-worth. Shocking I know! However with all my abundance of self-reflection recently I have found my Achilles heel, that chink in my armor that could take me down so easily. Unlike Achilles (he didn’t know his weakness), I know my weakness and we are friends, companions, even blood. We cannot change the past, we truly can only change the present and pray for the permanent change for the future!

I know my self-worth don’t get me wrong, I am amazing! I love myself, take care of my heart and mind to ensure I maintain my self-worth for all future endeavors within life. Unfortunately, the part of me that controls my worthiness so I can prepare for a great life, do fabulous things for my those I love, to build a good life for myself as an independent strong woman is in constant need of self-validation. You know these things, don’t you? I work hard so I will give myself this and this, oh and this too. Filling my holes with things because I have been unable to change the way I see and feel about my own self-worth.

So today, I am vowing to change. For me. For the future me. For all the real things I want; that I have hidden from because I was afraid of succeeding and not knowing where to go or what do once I was there. Afraid of being alone with no companion or friend to help me through my weak moments. I vow to be worthy of self-gratification that isn’t tied to filling a black hole created by a cruel past that broke a child’s spirit, therefore creating a self-crucifying prognosticator that doesn’t know change. Change will be found whether friend or foe, a common acceptance of our limitations and faults, but walking tall and happy with nothing except a heart full of love for myself and change in my pocket! The slippery slope of change is gratifying.

change nowbehavior-change-expert-questions

Staying Focused!

Is it POSSIBLE? To stay focused. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I have heard it all. I was NEVER that person, I could focus on the most minuscule thing possible and never lose concentration. Today, bahhh-humbug. What is going on? Is it boredom? Has my brain finally given into the temptations of being distracted by EVERYTHING. I know, it is a huge ordeal at this time in society. Kids cannot focus on one specific thing unless it’s their phone, then it is everything about the phone. Too much stimulation? Again, what happened to us adults (or what we consider as adults)?

I have read that brain stimulation increases creativity. So, maybe I need to find a creative outlet? Should I paint? Should I do crafts? Plant a garden? Build a house? Wait, I can barely focus on doing minor tasks for work or school, how can I focus on the details of creating something? Sure, it could be more fun or it could be boredom; or worse, lack of actually caring. Could that be it? Lack of caring. Wait, that feels more consistent with what I think is going on. I don’t actually care about what is going on around me. Work? Yeah, what of it. Doesn’t stimulate any emotional need to do good. School? Yeah, well it doesn’t give the satisfaction that I am accomplishing anything, anymore. So, what is happening then?

There may be something to this lack of caring scenario. I have read, re-read and found numerous stories about regaining focus, A.D.D. and A.D.H.D, but nothing seems to make sense and they are repetitive (each stating the same thing over and over). However, none are a cure for those, like me, who just lost their desire to focus. I used to be on top of my game at work, loved being the “Go To” person for what needed to be done (and done right). Now I know what needs to be done but cannot seem to find the gumption to care if I know the answer or if it’s right by anyone standards. Now, I am seeing this, FINALLY, after sitting a room full of my colleagues that seem to be really focused on what we were working on and knowing the who, what, where and why we were discussing. While I was sitting there trying to remember how or why I couldn’t remember what I have learned and taught many others. Hence, my current state of what happened? It’s not a disease because I am not sick, forgetful, or blacking out in any way (not that any of these are diseases but self-diagnosis of what I see that could be an issue). A lack of emotional connection and self-realization about what is or may be driving my mind to find what is more important for me. Now, staying focused to find my true purpose. Hold the phone…there are squirrels in the backyard. focus